Cat pile (at Home)
I used to think that I didn’t self harm because of my depression, but I do, it’s just not as obvious. Because I have such a low physical pain tolerance, I self harm through emotional pain. One of the most painful things for me to dwell on is the idea of my loved ones being hurt. When I get angry or otherwise emotionally unstable, I hurt the people around me, as a way of hurting myself. It’s punishment, that I have to think about how I caused someone I love pain. In practice it’s almost always Kristine, because I don’t care about other people the way I care about her. Part of me relishes pushing her away and making her miserable even as she’s trying to resolve an argument, and even as I feel terrible for doing it. When I’m upset I never want to feel better; rather, I work to prolong the misery as much as possible, to punish myself for fucking up, and sometimes just for existing. Many times I’ve imagined scenarios in which I commit suicide as a way to hurt those around me, sometimes preceded by killing Kristine, so I can leave knowing I have committed the ultimate sin as far as my life is concerned. If I’m feeling particularly self loathing, I will imagine killing Kristine and then being prevented from killing myself, so I must live with the knowledge of what I did, and never know peace again.
And done. (With special guest star CAD BANE) (Also, this vehicle can’t decide if it’s a tank or a starfighter.) (at Home)
Not gonna lie, I was hoping this would be an Elder Scrolls novel when I saw it. Still looks cool, tho. #payday #newstuff (at Home)